Crack! It's Kingdom Hearts
by KunoichiNekoChan
Summary: Picture all of Square Enix' creations to be real, live actors. Picture them with serious problems, such as hippy Wakka, a goth Kairi and a caffine addicted Selphie. What happens when these washed up actors get summoned to do a remake?


**Crack! It's Kingdom Hearts.**

Dedicated to **Nikki **and **Rachie**, my awesome, _uber cool _friends. You'd know them as **Merokei **and **YumeYume**. **LOVE YOU TWO**! Anyways, theres lots of credit due. Most of these things, like the _Jenova Juice_, are jokes between **Rach, Nikki and I**. Others, like the _paopu leaves_, , are from random flash videos. I can't keep _track_.

…………………………

"Alright, you out-of-work Japanese freaks. Drag your oversized feet to the main author's office." A droning voice rang out over a PA system, was heard throughout the studio, then a click indicating the message was over.

"Geez. What a jerk." A boy grumbled, shuffling down a narrow hallway, his long straight hair slightly bouncing with every step. He wore his usual work outfit; yellow shoes, red shorts and a black vest. He's be damned if costumes didn't force mouse ears on his head. Snapping out of his bad mood, he noticed a familiar shape in the distance, actually, two. "Leon! Wakka!" Grinning foolishly, Sora, the boy, waved his white-gloved hand at his friends.

The two spun around, blinking. "Oh, whats-a-happenin', man?" Wakka grinning, only to be smacked by Leon. "Drop the accent, Wakk. We're not on the job" "Geez, sorry." Wakka's voice now rang out high pitched and squeaky. "So, Sora, how's life?" Leon grinned, pulling out a joint and handing it to Wakka.

Sora eyed the marijuana. "Dude, I knew you were a total hippy, Wakka, but, whoa." "It's not pot, idiot." Wakka squeaked. "I gave that up after eff-eff-ex-two. Paopu leaves, man." Sora's eyes lit up. "Ooh, pass that shi-" before he could finish, a pale girl in a tight pink mini skirt and pigtails snatched up the drugs from Wakka's hand. "Ack! Lulu! Hey, babe, I-" "Ooh, Wakka, you little bugger!" Lulu's shiny lips were tight with anger, her face turning red. "I told you, I'm **so **out the door if you even dare-" "Babe, wait!" With that, Lulu spun on her Gucci heels and huffed out. "Oh, great. Bye." Wakka picked up his bag, and then chased his wife. "Lulu, sweetie, baby, honey, wait!"

Sora snickered. "Wow. I mean, I've played eff-eff-ex and Lulu sure wasn't like that. I mean, like, a total preppy whore." Leon chuckled. "Hey, it's our job to act different, y'know? I mean, look at Kairi. Ooh! Speak of the devil."

A girl wearing combat boots and all black shuffled over, nodding to Sora with a head chalk white, purple eyes lined with endless amounts of eyeliner and bright red hair. "Kairi, what's up?" Shrug. "Cool. Got any new gigs?" Shake. "I see…umn, ah…" Kairi rolled her eyes, then something behind Sora's head caught her attention. "Hi Riku."

Riku walked slowly over to the group, slightly pale. Leon raised a brow. "Uh, what's wrong?" Riku looked like he was about to burst into tears. "I…I was just on fan fiction dot net… apparently… I'm… I'm… I'M GAY." With that, his eyes overflowed. "HOW CAN I BE GAY? ME! THE WOMANIZER! Now, Tidus is gay. BUT NOT ME! LOOK AT ALL MY FANGIRLS!"

Leon shrugged. "Ignore those fictions, dude. They're so random. I mean, I saw one of me on Cloud. Hello-oooo! Rinoa, Aerith and Tifa!" Sora burst out laughing. "You're not gay, dude. You look female, but, no. You're the biggest pimp I know." Riku sniffled. "Yeah?" Sora nodded, grinning. "Yup!" "Aw, thanks Sor-" Riku was cut off as a scantily clad girl turned the corner. His eyes narrowed, glaring at her.

"Oh, shi-" the girl backed away as Riku advanced towards her, grabbing a plastic, fake diamond topped pimp cane from a rack on the wall labeled 'in case of runaway ho, break glass'. "Hello, Aerith." "Hi Pimp Dadd-er, Riku." Spinning around, Aerith fled down the hall. "BITCH, WHERE'S MAH MONEY!" Riku yelled, waving the cane around frantically as he chased her around a corner.

Leon and Sora burst out laughing, Kairi smirking slightly. "Oh, god." Sora wiped away tears from his eyes. "No wonder Cloud dumped her ass." Leon gasped for air. "Yeah, I hear-" he froze as another girl approached the three, grinning. "Heya, guys!"

"Ti…fa…?" Sora gasped. Kairi's eyes almost popped out of her head. Leon turned around, looking like he was about to upchuck. "What happened to your-erm, you?"

Tifa grinned, although half her face was stuck in that position, thanks to Botox. "Ooh, just some plastic surgery!" She giggled, bouncing on her heels. Her chest, now half the size of her body, jiggled like jello. "SIN SAVE US!" Leon yelped, and cupped a hand over his mouth as he ran for the men's bathroom.

Sora and Kairi exchanged looks, then Sora edged closer to the Botox-chalked Tifa. "Say, Tifa, how 'bout them current events?" "Ooh, I know! Like, oh em gee, I went to Kentucky Fried Chocobo the other day and-" before she could finish, Sora had pushed her over, and she started to roll down the corridor on her large bosoms. "AHHH! OH EM GEEEEeeeee….."

"Holy crap. Could those be any faker?" Two grinning men skipped up arm-in-arm to the relieved Kairi and Sora. "Tooootally, Cloud. Ooh, sweetie, how could you even handle them?" A tall man with long silver hair cooed, in a bright pink and yellow dress, a dainty flower tiara on his forehead. "Meh, it's a job." Cloud sighed, patting his partner on the shoulder. "Besides, if it weren't for them, I never would have met you, Sephi, my pretty, pretty princess!" Sephiroth blushed, and stifled his giggle by flapping a fan in front of his blushing face that read 'Got Jenova?' "Ooh, you!" Cloud snickered at Sephi's fan. "Remember the time…?"

_Rufus stood up, chucking the old blanket and kicking away his wheelchair. "Screw this, let's play ULTIMATE VOLLEYBALL!" He held Jenova's head up triumphantly. Reno burst in the room, nearly running Cloud down. "BOO YAH! BETTER THEN OGGLING AT TIFA'S FAKE BOOBS!" "Hey!" Tifa glared. In the matter of moments, the game was 9-9; one more point to win. Cloud, Sephiroth and Rufus versus Tifa, Barret and Reno. Sephiroth, not wanting to break his new, pink nails, was the scorekeeper. Mind you, he kept squealing 'GO CLOUD GO' and was wearing a freakishly short shirt and waving around fuzzy yellow pom poms. "Mine!" Smack went the ball, or Jenvoa's head. "I got it!" Smack. "Ooh, mine!" Barret yelled. Splat. Brains. Silence. "Ew. Sorry, mum."_

Snapping out of the flashback, (Sephiroth had been the point keeper/cheerleader),"Ooh, poor Yuffie." Sephi pouted. Sora blinked. "What happened to Yuffie?" Cloud shook his head. "It's quite tragic, really. Looking at the other females in eff-eff-seven, she quit. Can't blame her, really. I mean, she's till young, y'know?" Kairi and Sora both blinked, clueless. Sephi clicked his tounge. "She didn't wanna turn out like them. Aerith is Riku's bitch, Tifa a silicon stuffed desperate middle aged whore, Elena a butch lesbian and Jenova a pus-spewing sin against god. Can you blame her?" Sora burst out laughing. Rolling her eyes, Kairi mumbled something about 'twit' before looking at the fruity men. "What's she doing now, then?" "Oh, she got some job on a show called 'Naruto'," Cloud replied. "It's all ninja stuff. She kept rambling on about some guy named Sasuke and Pepsi…" "She said she loved Sasuke juice," Sephiroth corrected his partner. "And they got a replacement for her."

"Anyways, me and my pretty pretty princess her hafta run," Cloud said with a heaving, over exaggerated sigh. "But our roll calls in five minutes!" Sora groaned. "Yeah," Sephiroth replied. "But Nomura just won't let eff-eff-seven die. We have a cattle call for Dirge of Cerberus. Ta taa!" Blowing kisses at Sora and Kairi, Cloud and Sephiroth skipped out of the building.

"Hm, I wonder who Yuffie's replacement is." Kairi mumbled. "Uhm. I think I see her…" Sora blinked, staring at a figure 'hidden' behind two twins that barley covered her face. "Ooh, you're a smart one to see through my pwnage-uber-super-cool-ninjitsu!" A blonde girl tossed a small balloon, and it hit the ground in a puff of fine sand that reached Sora's knees (And Kairi's waist, despite the combat boots). As the smoke emitted, a girl wearing an Ino costume tossed the twigs and grinned, hands-on-hips.

"Hiya! I'm Yuffie's replacement, Nikki!" she grinned, obviously sugar-high. "Whooa! Kairi's a goth! And… you're…umn…" she blinked. "I'm… Sora." Nikki edged closer to the boy. "… What? No! You don't have freakishly blue eyes and hair that defies all the laws of physics." "Meh, I wore contacts, Nomura made me." Kairi nodded in agreement. "The hair? They used like a ton of jell a week. I just leave it down, to much work and to much munny. Or gil. Whatever." Nikki snorted, "Yeah, right. Wait…" She blinked, poking Sora's head. "DUDE! Your hair GLOWS GREEN." "Radiation from the jell." Kairi replied, obviously bored. "Ooh. Okay. But, then, if you're really Sora…" "If I'm really Sora what?" "Watch out for Selphie's replacement." "Huh?" "Selphie's replacement is a rabid Sora fangirl. She's my cousin." "Cool, groupies! But why does Selphie have a replacement? What happened to her?" "Ooh." Nikki rolled her eyes.

"Well, my cousin Rachie told me she's in rehab from a serious coke addiction." "Cocaine!" "No. CoCo Cola. Caffeine, y'know? She was so high all the time, all she'd do was shake, scream 'I like trains' over and over and draw disturbing pictures of Irvine…"

"Hey guys!" Leon, Riku, Tifa and Aerith, (who was limping slightly) strolled over to the group. Leon sighed. "First I puke due to _someone's_ silicon, then get rolled over by runaway boobies, then we crash into pimp daddy here whapping his whore. What a day…" Then in a whirl of yellow, both Sora and Leon were on the ground, a very hyper girl squealing and tugging at their clothes.

"RACHIE!" Nikki cried, glomping her cousin. "OOF!" Leon yelped as Nikki's knee dug into his groin. "ARGH!"

Rachie crackled madly, and hugged Nikki. "HIIIIIIYAAA!" she yelled, then went back to trying to dislodge a large chunk of Sora's hair for god knows what reason. "Fangirls…" Riku shook his head. "Gotta learn to slap 'em, Sora. Make 'em your bitches." "Wait!" Nikki interrupted Riku's speech, glaring at Rachie's outfit. "Is that my Selphie cosplay?" Nikki growled, eyeing her cousin. Rachie fell silent. "Umn…" she blinked. "MOOOOOOSE!"

Leon was almost in tears. Fake boobs tackling him, rolling them under like a giant snowball, a crazed fangirl, a ho-fight and now the new Yuffie's knee digging painfully into his crotch. This was** not **his day.

Nikki stared at her cousin. "What are you on?" "JENOVA JUICE!" Rachie giggled, holding up a bottle of pink liquid. Nikki eyed the juice. "Those the drugs your mom gave you when you were sick?" "Nope, better! Try! ROFLCOPTER." Rachie burst out laughing, and handed Nikki the bottle.

After a moment of examining the bottle, Nikki took a swig. Swallowing, she stared at her cousin. "This…it's pink lemonade." "I KNOW! LMAONAISE!"

After a couple of minutes, the cast was all lined up. A normal-looking Sora, a goth kairi, a pimp Riku, a lemonade-high Selphie/Rachie, a hoodie Tidus, a Ino-clad Yuffie/Nikki, a very po'ed Leon, a bruised Aerith and a bald moogle.

A man in a suit appeared, and took role call. "Odd," he sighed. "We're missing over thirty characters. Oh well."

"Wakka's trying to suck up to Lulu, Tidus accidentally squished Yuna, most of the eff-eff-seven characters are at DoC, Cids driving everyone else, it'll take awhile, and I ate Goofy and Donald." Everyone turned to stare at Sora. "What?"

"Whatever," the man sighed. "The author is ready to see you." Opening a large door, he gestured for the cast to enter the dimly-lit room.

The group entered silently, the only sound the clinking of Riku's pimp cane on the tiled floor. The only objects in the large room were a desk and chair, the swivel chair facing the wall. "Welcome," a voice called out. "I have a little job for you."


End file.
